One liners :: Funny one liner Jokes and Quotes

Hi all; check below for today’s collection of dirty one liners, short jokes and quotes below, I’ve assembled a new good list for you:

• Q. Why did God create alcohol?
  A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
• Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
  A. Sexual harassment.
• Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
  A. $3.99 a minute.
• Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
  A. Their shaky hands!
• Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
  A. A warm bush.
• Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
  A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
• Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
  A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
• Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
  A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
• Q. Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
  A. To keep its nuts dry
• Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
  A. A lickalotopis
• Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
  A. They both have the ability to misfire.
• Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
  A. Because their plugged into a genius!
• Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
  A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
• Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
  A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
• Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
  A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
• Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
  A. Mega-saur-ass
• Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
  A. 3 Stone !
• Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
  A: Odor eaters
• Q: Why do men name their penis?
  A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
  their decisions.
• Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  A: Snowballs.
• Q: Why do women have vaginas?
  A: So men will talk to them.
• Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
  A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
• Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
  A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
• Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
  A: About three inches.

You can use this ones wherever you feel like, as they’re witty, sexy, funny and cool Check below:

• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
• Do it only with the best.
• Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Love comes in spurts.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
• Nice guys finish last.
• No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll
• never be quite the same again.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
• convey its full meaning.
• Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• The younger the better.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• Virginity can be cured.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Very very random, but it’s funny from start till end; easy for you to c/p, so have fun

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
• Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
• Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Death is hereditary.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Did anyone see my lost carrier?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
• If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Montana: At least our cows are sane!
• More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
• Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
• My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
• My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Well, I compiled quite a list today, so here you go:

• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.
• I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
• Life is sexually transmitted
• If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
• Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
• Practice safe sex, Go screw yourself
• This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me
• Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
• Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
• Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
• You may be recognized soon. Hide.
• Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
• I pretend to work here – they pretend to pay me.
• Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???
• Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
• If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor.
• The other day I Googled “Myspace” and Google said, “did you mean Facebook?”
• Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
• Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
• My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
• Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
• No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod.
• Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
• Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
• Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
• Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
• Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
• Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
• Never buy a car you can’t push.
• Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
• Never eat yellow snow.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
• Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
• Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
• Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
• No good deed goes unpunished.
• No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
• No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
• No-one suspects the butterfly!
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
• Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
• Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

I’m in a mood today, so I read a lot and came up with a bunch of those quotes which make you laugh your ass off; check below for a lot of fun lol:

• Should vegetarians eat anima crackers?
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Sometimes I just sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.
• Support bacteria – they’re the ony cuture some peope have.
• The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ have to catch up.
• There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
• This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunatey it kills all of its students!
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
• You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
• The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
• I’m smiling. This shoud scare you.
• What you do on your own time’s just fine. My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
• Everyone says I’m a blonde at heart. But my heart’s not blonde.
• Deep down I’m a very shallow person.

Here are some very funny, just c/p them wherever you need

• Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
• I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
• A positive attitude may not solve a your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
• Love your enemies… it pisses them off.
• The human race is lucky I’m a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.
• A paper shoud be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
• Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because millions on wefare depend on me!
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only tak to me.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Best one liners are those wise ones about Life; as they’re cool, and usable on any occasion. Here are some for you below:

WISE:

• My loathings are simple stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
  Vladimir Nabokov Sayings
• In the frank expression of conflicting opinions lies the greatest promise of wisdom in governmental action.
  Louis D Brandeis Quotes
• Even Albert Einstein reportedly needed help on his 1040 form.
  Ronald Reagan Sayings

FUNNY: 

• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
• I like work..It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
• Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.

Here’s a couple of romantic quotes and one liners that you can use on your boyfriend, girlfriend or soon-to-be variants of those. Though, I doubt they really work but if someone can’t appreciate some love or romantic quote in their ear, well… think about it

• Your eyes are the sweetest stars I’ve ever seen.
• “No one has ever loved anyone The way everyone wants to be loved”
• “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
  Read more »

It’s always fun to say something funny to a person you love. Especially for Birthday, if the person you’re saying to has somewhat of sense for humor. If not, you better skip some from here hehe. Either case, check them out and use if you like;

Well, you should sometimes make a joke about somebody’s age, right? Well, wouldn’t suggest doing that with women too much or often, or at least – be careful, but in general, people usually expect some jokes if there’s a reason for them. Check those below see if they inspire you…