One liners :: Funny one liner Jokes and Quotes

Here they are

• Life is just a game and no one has picked me for their team.
• Me fail english? Thats unpossible!
• I get to go to lots of over-seas places, like Canada.
• We aim to please; Will you AIM too, please?
• Physics is like sex…sure there are practical reasons for it, but that’s not why we do it.
• Finish your beer! There are sober kids in India!!
• By the time you read this, you’ve already read it.
• Don’t steal, the government doesn’t need any competition.
• You and the bank own a very lovely home.
• There is optimism and pessimissm… somewhere in the middle is alcoholism.
• Common sense is not always common.
• Virginity is not Dignity… It is just lack of Opportunity…
• Vegetarian: Indian for lousy hunter.
• Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I came, I saw, I stuck around!
• The road to sucess is always under construction.
• Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him.
• Men are proof that women can take a joke.
• My semen was here….and here…and here…. and here…
• I am a Team Player, I just don’t play on the same team as you.
• When life gives you lemons, squeeze them on people with paper cuts!
• Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, it made the kittens.

Almost like a Philosoraptor

• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called, “Holes”?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, doesn’t terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
• “I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do.” is the longest sentence?
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Awesome quotes, sayings and one liners related to the Computer world and geek stuff; not everybody can understand this fully, but those who can will sure have their laugh Enjoy!

• There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.
• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
• Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
• Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
• The box said ‘Requires Windows Vista or better’. So I installed LINUX.
• UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
• In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
• Unix is user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are.
• Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
• SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.
• Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
• Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.
• Microsoft: You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.
• 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it’s a classic by Bill Gates in 1981
• There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
• Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
• COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
• Unix is user-friendly. It’s just very selective about who its friends are.
• Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
• If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.
• After Perl everything else is just assembly language.
• To err is human… to really foul up requires the root password.
• The more I C, the less I see.
• If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.
• unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep – my daily unix command list
• Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

Hi guys; a new pack of humor is just below:

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
• I bet you get bullied a lot.
• I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
• I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
• I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
• I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
• I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
• I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
• I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
• I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
• Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
• What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?
• You are not even beneath my contempt.
• You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
• You grow on people, but so does cancer.
• You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

Hi all; check below for today’s collection of dirty one liners, short jokes and quotes below, I’ve assembled a new good list for you:

• Q. Why did God create alcohol?
  A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
• Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
  A. Sexual harassment.
• Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
  A. $3.99 a minute.
• Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
  A. Their shaky hands!
• Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
  A. A warm bush.
• Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
  A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
• Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
  A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
• Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
  A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
• Q. Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
  A. To keep its nuts dry
• Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
  A. A lickalotopis
• Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
  A. They both have the ability to misfire.
• Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
  A. Because their plugged into a genius!
• Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
  A. If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts!
• Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
  A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.
• Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
  A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog
• Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
  A. Mega-saur-ass
• Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
  A. 3 Stone !
• Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
  A: Odor eaters
• Q: Why do men name their penis?
  A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
  their decisions.
• Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  A: Snowballs.
• Q: Why do women have vaginas?
  A: So men will talk to them.
• Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
  A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
• Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
  A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
• Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
  A: About three inches.

You can use this ones wherever you feel like, as they’re witty, sexy, funny and cool Check below:

• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
• Do it only with the best.
• Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Love comes in spurts.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
• Nice guys finish last.
• No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll
• never be quite the same again.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
• convey its full meaning.
• Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• The younger the better.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
• Virginity can be cured.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Very very random, but it’s funny from start till end; easy for you to c/p, so have fun

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
• Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
• Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Death is hereditary.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Did anyone see my lost carrier?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
• If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Montana: At least our cows are sane!
• More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
• Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
• My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
• My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Well, I compiled quite a list today, so here you go:

• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.
• I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
• Life is sexually transmitted
• If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
• Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
• Practice safe sex, Go screw yourself
• This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me
• Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant
• Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
• Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
• You may be recognized soon. Hide.
• Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
• I pretend to work here – they pretend to pay me.
• Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???
• Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
• If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor.
• The other day I Googled “Myspace” and Google said, “did you mean Facebook?”
• Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
• Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
• My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
• Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
• No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod.
• Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
• Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
• Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
• Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
• Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
• Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
• Never buy a car you can’t push.
• Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
• Never eat yellow snow.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
• Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
• Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
• Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
• Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
• No good deed goes unpunished.
• No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
• No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
• No-one suspects the butterfly!
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
• Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
• Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

I’m in a mood today, so I read a lot and came up with a bunch of those quotes which make you laugh your ass off; check below for a lot of fun lol:

• Should vegetarians eat anima crackers?
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Sometimes I just sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.
• Support bacteria – they’re the ony cuture some peope have.
• The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ have to catch up.
• There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
• This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunatey it kills all of its students!
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
• You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
• The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
• I’m smiling. This shoud scare you.
• What you do on your own time’s just fine. My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
• Everyone says I’m a blonde at heart. But my heart’s not blonde.
• Deep down I’m a very shallow person.

Here are some very funny, just c/p them wherever you need

• Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
• I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
• A positive attitude may not solve a your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
• Love your enemies… it pisses them off.
• The human race is lucky I’m a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.
• A paper shoud be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
• Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because millions on wefare depend on me!
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only tak to me.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• The trouble with life is there’s no background music.