One liners :: Funny one liner Jokes and Quotes

Hi guys; a new pack of humor is just below:

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
• I bet you get bullied a lot.
• I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
• I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
• I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
• I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
• I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
• I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
• I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
• I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
• I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand me.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
• Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
• What’s wrong, don’t you get any attention back home?
• You are not even beneath my contempt.
• You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
• You grow on people, but so does cancer.
• You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

Very very random, but it’s funny from start till end; easy for you to c/p, so have fun

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
• Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
• Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
• Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Death is hereditary.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Did anyone see my lost carrier?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
• If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Montana: At least our cows are sane!
• More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
• Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
• My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
• My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I’m in a mood today, so I read a lot and came up with a bunch of those quotes which make you laugh your ass off; check below for a lot of fun lol:

• Should vegetarians eat anima crackers?
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Sometimes I just sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.
• Support bacteria – they’re the ony cuture some peope have.
• The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ have to catch up.
• There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
• This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunatey it kills all of its students!
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
• You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
• The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
• I’m smiling. This shoud scare you.
• What you do on your own time’s just fine. My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.
• Everyone says I’m a blonde at heart. But my heart’s not blonde.
• Deep down I’m a very shallow person.

Here are some very funny, just c/p them wherever you need

• Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
• I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
• A positive attitude may not solve a your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
• Love your enemies… it pisses them off.
• The human race is lucky I’m a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.
• A paper shoud be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
• Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I work hard because millions on wefare depend on me!
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only tak to me.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Sometimes, being sarcastic is absolutely needed. Not kind of humor for anyone, that’s for sure, but if you get them – they can be hilarious. You can find few short random ones here, which I’ve found around on the net;

You can use these on your twitter to make people laugh, or even on your Facebook status, either way – those are funny and sarcastic, and witty and and and – just fun!

• Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It’s not me — it’s you.
• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
• Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
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You spend a lot of time on Facebook? Who doesn’t?! Well, these following one liners are perfect for your status updates, in various occasions.

• “Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don’t try to find us for at least 2 days. Love (not really), Me“
• “[Name] thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”“
• “I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?””
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